Retrospective of my website & aspects of my life. It’s been a little over six months since I made my website and a lot has changed for the better since then, more than I'd have imagined.

I hate being overly sentimental and I almost never really write about my thoughts on my life, but I've been thinking about how much happier I've been recently. Every day is more time I have to work on learning new hobbies; I enjoy web development and creating art a lot more, I love my friends, I have a job, I look forward to going back to school, this time for something I actually care about and want to do.

Six months ago I had a lot more time and a lot less direction. A year or two before that I was barely ever doing anything creative or working towards anything. Every time I started something new: school, work, art, learning another new language... something awful would happen in my life and it'd just leave me feeling like I was unable to do anything ever again. Making a website gave me something to look forward to; something to tend to, a tangible way to express myself, people to interact with. I'm not sure why I clicked so much with web design. I have something to go back to even when I feel terribly lost.

I really don't understand why it seems so different now. I don't think I've ever felt better; although I feel like I can't trust my feelings on this because... it's how BPD is; when I'm happy I feel like I've always been happy, when I'm depressed I feel like all I have ever known is depression. It's possible everything could go wrong but at least I have something, someone.

To be fair, and I hate to say this so bluntly, but I also haven't had to deal with the same magnitude of abuse that I did for the majority of my life. Instead I just got diagnosed with like three mental disorders amongst the ones I already had lol. Then again, the worst I've ever felt has more to do with the aftermath of such chronic, inescapable situations. For some reason, I was able to cope with physical, verbal, & sexual abuse better when it was actively and frequently happening. Only the past few years of my life when I've mostly been left alone have felt truly hellish, and nothing before has compared.

I cannot overstate how genuinely happy it makes me when people interact or comment on my website. I found it very difficult to write this post as I have quite the aversion to thinking about the past. I hate being serious about my life and I most likely will end up deleting this post, but if there's anyone who is in the situation I was, I really hope this helps even a little... I think I still hate being told "it can get better".

I had given up on trying to manage my mental health issues but I have so much to look forward to. I guess I just hope that in writing this I can remember how impossible it felt before and how much better I am now.

I listened to Lisa's Theme & Bloodhail while writing this! Thank you for reading...!!