Yesterday was my first real day of work. I am so, so tired... I thought the day would never end, but it went as well as it possibly could've. I'm happy with life and everything right now overall.

I got insanely lucky and I'm still utterly confounded that the manager basically asked me like two questions and hired me on the spot. I also neglected studying for the test I had to take but thankfully it was mostly common sense as I had imagined. My manager is nice I guess, she seems to really like me, but I hate pretending to be outgoing and I just zone out when she makes jokes and stuff. I feel myself become visibly uncomfortable when that happens. A lot of people asked me if I was okay and that I look sad but it's just how I look, I suck at smiling. Sometimes they just ask what I'm thinking about but I'm really just zoned out.

If you're wondering why a random chungus arse job is such an important point of interest in my life right now, my agoraphobia along with various other mental conditions have gotten really bad in the past two years; I stopped going to school because I wasn't able to deal with said mental disorders. I needed something to give me structure in my life again, as well as help me get used to being around others again. I am also more motivated to go back to school, which I have to do anyway...

I had forgotten that I do better with people than I think as well. I made friends with a coworker today, and we talked about video games and he was very sweet and spent a lot of time helping me with the stuff I had to do at the end of my shift. A lot of people liked me at my last job; my coworkers were insanely kind and chill, a lot of customers remembered me and asked about me, but I quit because I hated sales so much.

When I think about that past job, I remember myself as a different person. I don't understand how I was so silly and chill when I'm so reclusive and terrified of people right now... I'm lucky in this way, but I still have the irrational fear that everyone will hate me. It's relieving to know I'm just seen as sweet and shy I guess. I have this idea in my head that everyone thinks I'm a weird FREAK!! I don't really care about how I'm seen as long as people aren't straight up mean or condescending to me. No one was mean to me at work so yay.

I guess it's just how I was raised, my social life would be quite different if my parents weren't vehemently against the idea of me ever hanging out with anyone at school. I have chronic low self-esteem as a product of being heavily abused in different ways for years at home. Even though I don't have difficulty finding people who want to befriend me, I genuinely just don't like talking to people at all in real life, it's too much for me... I've never had the desire to make friends with people around me, ever since I was a child. This usually ended with my classmates thinking I was a stuck-up bitch. A tangent for another time though.

My body also hurts so badly but it did feel nice to lay in bed after such a tiring day. At least my brain problems haven't gotten so out of hand that a day of annoying, stressful work still gives me a sense of satisfaction. But I don't like how it tricks my body into thinking work is good... grrr...