I'm sorry you're having to live with this. It sounds very awful. Just know you don't have anything to feel guilty over. Don't ever feel guilty for putting your own safety as priority #1. Sometimes you have to endure until you can finally tell your story to someone who will listen and help you take action. You are stronger than your abusers.

I've been there, with all those what ifs and fears eating me whole. The nightmares for every anniversary, the lasting effects on how I loathe how much that filth has traumatized intimacy for me. I still feel like that scared, quiet girl when I was normally loud and chatty until the abuse took its toll. I don't know if you can leave that place now. If you can, please. It will feel weird and you might feel like you need to go back, but NEVER go back. You will feel the difference of not being in their presence and constant surveillance. You will get to relearn and enjoy your peace and privacy again. You can be you again, albeit changed. You will eventually be "okay" enough to enjoy things without their voices downtalking you in your head. Their input means nothing when you leave that nest. The blame and responsibility they pin on you is untrue, because they refuse to see it for what it is: a father, taking advantage of his own child in unethical ways. He KNOWS it's wrong because he hid it from others and might've bribed/blackmailed you if you tried to tell someone while it was ongoing. Please, take care of yourself however you can. This online journal is a good idea, and I understand wanting to be anonymous. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if close ones found out about what happened and it just opens up that wound again. I get it. I don't like myself very much a lot of days, but I'm really grateful for the friends that stay by my side. I feel like I've changed a lot ten years later and I'd say it's for the better. I really, really hope you can drown that shame and guilt with better feelings. You did nothing wrong, how you handled it isn't on you either. Getting your thoughts and feelings out here is a strong step in a good direction, I think.

I hope you are doing okay out there.

so many people are beyond evil and it's always just about brushing it under the rug and blaming the victim. it's awful that you've found yourself imprinted with such a sense, but as stupidly obvious as it sounds, it isn't, and never will be your fault for such things. the justice system should never rely on the abused for the sake of punishment but seemingly there's no reason for action to be taken even when the medical records are there just because it's easier and cheaper to turn a blind eye. even then, many many years ago i tried to report something similar after a series of terrible events and i ultimately was just dismissed as someone who should've been "grateful" it happened to me or whatever that means. i apologize for the rambling, i don't know if any of it resonates, but, idk. i just think everyone sucks and that nothing should be expected of people in those situations.... kinda the opposite in that services should be provided. idk. kill everoyne.

It isn't your fault for other people being horrible Please take care, I understand how guilt might eat up at you but it isn't you who deserves this I hope I can help in any way, it brakes my heart to see this not saying it shouldn't, I am glad it is right now, but just saying that I am very happy you shared this and didn't keep it inside, please, be strong I believe in you, I hope this helps in any way

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry about what happened, I can not imagine the suffering that you went through, but it's a testimony for your strength even if you don't think of yourself as "strong enough". I know it's easier said than done, but please try to be kind to yourself. You shouldn't feel shame or guilt about those horrible things, you were young, vulnerable and didn't know any better. It doesn't take away from your character nor does it mean that there's anything "wrong" with you, because you simply didn't do anything wrong, even if you think you did. You're innocent.

You don't know me and I don't know you, and that's okay. The important thing is that you don't keep things bottled up because in the long run it will end up destroying you (or even more than you already are). It's a shame you feel this way, but those who don't experience pain don't enjoy peace. If you manage to overcome this, you'll look back like a champion who stood tall. Take care and drink water.

thank you for talking about this, at least through this outlet. i know i have never interacted with this blog before but i wanted to tell you how much your website has inspired me and my motivation to create. i love everything about it and check it every once in a while. it never fails to bring me a bit of joy when i'm usually pretty numb. i'm just telling you this because i want you to know how much impact you have even in people you don't know. i can't claim to understand the things you have gone through, because i don't, but the fact that you are able to talk about it speaks of your strength. thank you for being here and i'm so sorry that you have experienced this. it's not my place to offer these words to you, but it's not your fault. you have suffered thanks to the careless and cruel actions of others. you do not own anybody anything, especially not when you were just a child. i hope you know how far you've come, and how resilient you are. don't feel the need to respond to this either, i just wanted to leave it here so you know that it's true. please take care of yourself

im so incredibly sorry you had to go through and experience all of that pain, it must've been so difficult on you to bear. you are not disgusting, nor stupid, nor weak at all because you had the strength today to post about something tremendously personal and traumatic. i really really believe in you and i believe that all these hurtful and tragic events that unfolded will eventually be nothing more than a distant bygone memory because you deserve so much better than to be haunted by the terribly selfish actions of others, i believe in you, please stay strong, you are not alone